Resolving Conflict (Part Two)
by Mike James
In our last blog, we discussed some ideas to help us resolve conflict. Due to a presentation I am giving this month, I was able to do some research on this subject—so much so that I have enough data for another blog on conflict resolution.
Another popular conflict resolution method is the Interest Based Relational (IBR) approach to conflict management. Roger Fisher and William Ury developed the IBR approach and wrote about it in their book, Getting to Yes. They focus on resolving conflicts by separating people and their emotions from the problem. Their approach also focuses on building mutual respect and understanding. In this approach, there are five primary principles.
Make sure a good relationship is the first priority.
Keep people and problems separate.
Pay attention to the interests that are being presented.
Listen first and talk second.
Just the facts
To do this, many who practice IBR establish a five-step process to follow. Make sure that both parties are okay with this process before you begin.
In the first step, you want to set the scene. With any process like this, you want to set the conditions for discussion. Start with active listening. One person can begin by expressing how they see the situation, while the other person(s) just listens to their take on the situation. The others listening should acknowledge what is being said by restating, paraphrasing, and summarizing what they are hearing to make sure there is clarity. Another important factor here is to make sure everyone is speaking unemotionally, conversationally, and non-aggressively. Humility is imperative on both sides.
Step two is about gathering information. Establish the interests, needs, and concerns of the speaker. What are their motives and goals, and how are you affecting that? Try to understand it in objective terms. In other words, how important is this to the speaker, and how important is this to you? Really try to get in the other person's shoes and see it from their perspective first. Remember to use "I" statements when you speak and don't attribute things to the other person like "You do this" or "You do that." Be flexible in the sense that if things get emotional, take a time out and then come back to it when everyone is in the right frame of mind.
The third step is to find agreement on what the problem is. This may seem obvious, but many times we talk over each other and are not actively listening, so we miss what the crux of the issue is. Make sure that both parties have agreed to what the primary issue of the discussion is. We offend each other when we are not in agreement, so we must want to overcome offending the other.
Once you get here, step four is to brainstorm possible solutions. Brainstorming means throwing out a number of ideas and possibilities without concern for a solution yet. By focusing on ideas and possibilities rather than the solution here, you may generate something that was never thought of before. Come up with as many ideas as possible and even consult with others outside the parties present for more ideas.
The final step is to negotiate a solution. In some cases, the solution may be obvious to all involved. But if it is not, you want to find a solution that can be a win-win for those involved. As you negotiate the solution, it is imperative that you remain calm, patient, and have respect for each other.
One good place in Scripture to go to for guidance on conflict resolution is found in Matthew 18:15-20. This is called the "go to your brother" scripture. However, what precedes these verses in Matthew 18 helps us see some connection to the IBR method. In the earlier verses in this chapter, Jesus establishes the importance of humility (verses 1-5). In verses 6-10, Jesus tells us we should not offend each other. When we are in conflict we are offending each other. Finally, in verses 11-14, God tells us to seek that which is lost. This seems to be relating to lost relationships. Again, resolving our conflicts can guard against losing relationships in the first place.
Finally, after the verses on how to resolve conflict, Matthew 18:21-22 sums it up that after a conflict resolution, we need to have a forgiving heart no matter how many times our brother or sister messes up as long as they are repentant (Luke 17:3-4).
Sources: "Conflict Resolution Using the 'Interest-Based Relational' Approach," by Damilare Folorunsho, Linkedin, March 18, 2016, https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/conflict-resolution-using-interest-based-relational-damilare